Dubiously Dear, but Devilishly Divisive Decoys.

I have a problem. An affliction, if you will. Perhaps it's the curve or shape of the body? Maybe it's the posture of the head? Is it the colors displayed? Whatever the draw, decoys of waterfowl just seem to hold my attention. This is of itself innocent enough. Strategizing various decoy schemes and spreads is fine. It's a great mental exercise! No no, the problem is bringing them home. It's something of a trick storing them in a manner where the family isn't tripping over them. Compounding the issue is, you can never have enough!

My disease began just before the turn of the millennium. The Angry Dane wanted to go in on some Herters 72 decoys. These styrofoam tanks were oversized, durable, and ducky. We split the two dozen, and have put them to use many a time over the years. Problem was, I only had a dozen available at any given time. The duck fantasies and adventures concocted in my imagination involved spreads of several dozen birds. These blocks would direct flocks of fowl like a lighted runway at O'Hare! Needless to say, I began adding birds.

One evening, I had stopped by the Haffer's place to help unload some sheetrock for his basement. He had amassed an impressive collection of woodies, goose floaters, bluebills, and some seriously dilapidated mallards in dire need of paint and new lines. He offered me the collection. The Haffer had the look of a man eager and pleased to pass along a heavy load. It may have had something to do with the new space opened in his man cave. "Good luck," he called and slapped me on the back. I may have heard his wife say something along the lines of "Finally!" as I pulled out of the drive.

Later that week, I found teal decoys at a bargain off craigslist. Shortly after that, I put money down on a new spinning wing decoy, to bring additional motion to my other spinners. The basement was beginning to overflow.

My family had been supportive, at least in gestures to this point, but I couldn't shake the feeling that looks were being exchanged. Were they at my expense? Impossible. Who doesn't long to pour over the different decoy spreads one could incorporate on various bodies of water at different times of the season? Who doesn't while away the hours of balmy summer afternoons, taking his decoys out, just to take inventory, and experiment with different looks?

Things got dicey though. A couple summers back, some generous families had shared their appreciation of my teaching efforts by supplying me with Cabelas gift cards. I used them to purchase field mallards and geese. Those Big Foot B2's are anything but small! The looks from the family were becoming smirks. The fact that these new decoys were working to help me harvest birds made me believe, "They just don't understand. These are sealing the deal! Now, if I could just add some silhouette and goose shells, we'd be in business. Especially when it snows late!"

Thirty flocked goose shells with a few dozen silhouettes's later, and the smirks became open jokes, and looks of despair from the Mrs. In fact, the neighbors began to whisper and offer condolences to her. To be fair, there was no way I could haul and disseminate my ultimate spread. I had a small jon boat and scanoe in my repertoire. The field spread took several trips back and forth to put into play. I actually use my boats to haul them out! "Maybe we ought to invest in a covered trailer? What do you think Honey? We could use it for traveling to the lake?"

"You're out of your mind," she said with shaking head and tightened knuckles on her coffee mug.

You would think my fellow hunting buds would understand. The Goof Troop was excited at the prospects of a more diverse spread. It took little time for their enthusiasm to ebb. They belied the chores of carrying, dispersing, and collecting all those birds. I suppose it hasn't helped my cause that several of our locales are well out of the way. "Just think of what great shape you'll be in?" was my argument.

"I'm not carrying that sack of blocks through the swamp," stated the Angry Dane. "We'll have Matt do it!"

Matt has proceeded to hunt with us less and less.

To this day, you may find me lugging double sacks of decoys along with a spinner or two, shotgun, ammo box, and dog. I've become something of a modern day duck sherpa. Perhaps someday fortune will smile, and I will have my own private piece of marsh, and my glorious collection of plastic and foam birds can do as they were intended. Until then, I was searching craigslist the other day and came across some canvasback decoys ...